We wrote a list back and forth a long time ago. I don’t know why or when. Every other phrase is my handwriting, and the others might be yours. I think ‘s you who did this with me because there’s a drawing of a bear with muscles and a speedo that says “Bear attack!” with the initials KM. I propose you sign all your masterpieces with this bear hence forth.
I can only assume this list will become important once I lose my memory and only have a key to a locked box at the bank, which I open to find a hotel key and a bloody finger. Therefore, it is important that it is published. Please help me figure out what this is. The safety of the planet depends on it.
—
Flo from Progressive
Heavy metal themed coffee shops
A comfy chair
My job
Desk lamp
Meryl Streep’s heart
A sultry piano solo
Daddy issues
A T-Rex
George W. Bush’s paintings [THIS IS TOPICAL. Google trends says searches for George W. Bush paintings peaked in both April 2013 and April 2014. Why April?? What were we doing in the last two Aprils?]
Hemorrhoid cream
Miniature Bruce Willis
Severus Snape
Centaur sex shops
Moaning Myrtle’s breasts
Nimbus 2000
Larping conventions
M’lady
Aragorn’s man titties
Arthur Weasley
A tub of butter
Orc brothels
Daenerys
Direwolf breath
Fathers afraid of ebola
Stoners at Steak-n-Shake
Jon Hamm’s pajamas
Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen
#wcw
Tar pits
Oprah
Testosterone supplements
Pinocchio
Bad ravioli
Alec Baldwin’s morning breath [be still my heart]
A broken coat hanger
A cake mold
Michael Jordan
Harrison Ford’s nipples
A bloody toe rag
Michael Jackson
Young Professionals
Unicorns
Ugly Christmas Sweaters
Ball sweat
Funny cat videos
5 bottles of wine
Neptune
Ankylosaurus
An empty water bottle
Tommy Wissou’s ceaseless nightmares
Peppermint Patty
A baseball bat
Matt Ewalt [Ok so we were at Chautauqua?]
Mark’s sassy golf hat
Mikaela’s 8th beer [luh u gurl]
Marty Merkely
Phish [ok we were at Chautauqua]
Bringo
The Yak
Jared Jacobson
Bats
The Wahmeda wedding dress
Mark’s shiny head
Razz Wheat
Poop burrito
A rusty spoon
Ben Affleck’s sex cavern
Detroit
EW Scripps ghost
Assless leather chaps
TBS
Buttered toast
Rick Astley
Total eclipse of the heart
Nickelback groupies
Porn parodies
Captain Jack Sparrow
A frumpy housewife
CatDog’s depraved sex life [I take credit for this, def. my handwriting]
An existential crisis
Millennial think pieces
A sad puppy
Ryan Gosling’s hair
Beetlejuice
A mummy
A cold hot dog
A blimp
Sofia Vergara’s toenail clippings